Life, Liberty and Happiness. Three things I haven't had much of until recently. Don't get me wrong - I've had it pretty good - a stable job from the day I graduated college. The opportunity to live in several different cities across the country. Great friends. A wonderful family. But for the past year, the life I was living wasn't the one I wanted. I felt constrained, suffocated, overwhelmed by a job I once loved. I dated a handful of immature, selfish guys who undermined my self-confidence, manipulating me into a version of myself that I was ashamed of. I struggled financially, losing sleep over my growing debt and dwindling savings. And as I'm prone to do during times of intense stress, I ate my feelings, putting much of the weight I'd lost the year before back on. I felt like a slave to my stress and anxiety - I couldn't escape it.
Last summer, I started having panic attacks (which I later learned were triggered by one of the aforementioned manipulative assclowns I was seeing at the time). So I took the advice of my doctor and a couple of friends and started seeing a psychologist. I know it's considered "taboo" to talk about seeing a shrink, but it's the best decision I ever made for myself. Having that kind of objective perspective changed everything. With her support (and that of my parents and a handful of amazing friends), I was able to learn to manage the stress and take back control of my own life, my own happiness.
My epiphany came early this year, while I was sitting in a session with my therapist. I was at the point where I had to decide whether or not I would stay at my job, or try to start a new career. I told her I was feeling overwhelmed and hadn't been sleeping because of the stress. She looked at me and said, "From what you're telling me, it sounds like the thing that's keeping you up at night isn't the fear of leaving. It's the fear of having to stay." BOOM. In that instant, I knew she was right. Yes, I was fearful of leaving my colleagues who I did adore (and still do), but the job itself, was making me miserable.
Fast-forward a few months and you all know what happened - my contract expired, I chose not to sign a long-term extension and without a new job lined up, I joined the ranks of the unemployed. Surprisingly, unemployment has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life. It's freed my mind and opened it to self-reflection and the promise of something new. It's freed me from the overwhelming anxiety and stress I was dealing with at work. It's freed up my schedule, so I have time to network, job-hunt, catch up with friends and get active again. For the first time, no one is telling me what to do, except the one person who should be doing so: me.
Since graduating from college seven years ago, I have worked every 4th of July holiday. This year I not only get to celebrate with friends for the first time, I'm also celebrating the first big victory of my job search. Last night I learned that beginning Monday, I will be a freelance producer/writer for a TV station in San Francisco! No, I don't want to stay in TV, but it's a great opportunity. By freelancing, I'll (more or less) make my own schedule, work for myself and be able to leave without punishment when I find the right job here in Sacramento. I'll also be making more money than I ever have before, so I'll have the financial security of being able to pay my bills, pay off my debt AND put some in savings while my job hunt continues. For the first time in a long time, I feel excited and empowered.
So today I'm raising a glass to Independence and Freedom. Because I'm finally taking control of my Life. Because I finally have the Liberty to chase my dreams. And because my own, personal Pursuit of Happiness is not only in full effect, it's working.
No comments:
Post a Comment