The Importance of Change

The other day, I was talking to a friend about Change. Specifically the fact that I don't understand why people are so scared of it. While I certainly value a certain level of stability in my life (strong relationships, financial security, a place of my own to come home to), I think change is exciting. For the past year or so, change has certainly been the running theme of my life. I made a major career change. I got a new apartment for a change of scenery. Family change: my baby sister got married in August and my little brother gets hitched in two weeks. A change in the men I've dated: I've gone from being deceived by manipulative douchebags to having my time wasted by genuinely good guys who say they want something meaningful, but won't actually make room for it in their lives. (Yes, I realize this is still bullshit, but this is me and the Universe has decided to make this dating thing as difficult as humanly possible, so I'm just rolling with it in the hopes that I'll have enough material to write that best-seller soon.) But the biggest, most important thing that's changed for me this past year has been my relationship with food.

I discovered the Whole30 Program at the beginning of the year when my family, friends and I all did our first reset together. If you recall, it was one of the best experiences of my life (story here). While not designed to be a "diet" per se, it's the only thing that has ever worked for me. The only thing I've been able to maintain. Maybe it's because the plan allows for my own humanity - the authors acknowledge that we all fall off the wagon, but they also give you the tools to get back on it when you do. Perhaps it's because 30 days of clean eating annihilates my overwhelming, all-consuming cravings for carbs covered in cheese. Perhaps it's because I've learned to love cooking and the food I'm making tastes SO DAMN GOOD that I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out. Or maybe it's because after adopting the Whole30 lifestyle, my mom - the woman I have always looked up to; the woman I have always thought was beautiful; and the woman who has always been her own worst critic - looks and feels better than I can ever remember and it makes my heart explode to see her so happy and comfortable in her own skin.

I did my first Whole30 reset in February of this year. After I finished, I was able to stick to it at least 90 percent of the time. But as summer arrived and I started spending more time in the fresh air with my friends, I started to slip. Beer became a staple of my diet again. My go-to meal on nights when I didn't want to cook dinner went back to grilled cheese. It got so hot in the middle of the day that my colleague and I only got to walk on our lunch break once or twice a week instead of five days a week.

By the time my sister's wedding rolled around in August, I felt gross. My energy was gone and afternoon coffee became necessary again. I wasn't sleeping well anymore. I had put some of the weight I'd lost back on. I felt bloated and fat and ashamed of my body again. It was time to get back on the wagon. I decided to extend my Whole30 to 47 days this time, for two main reasons:

1. With my brother's wedding coming up at the end of the month, I figured 6 weeks of weight loss > 4 weeks of weight loss. I was determined to feel good in my dress.
2.  As a personal challenge to myself. If I could stick to the reset for 47 days, maybe it would put me in a stronger place to maintain things after I finish.

The great thing this time was that I knew what to expect. I wasn't nervous about how I'd feel, cutting out cheese and booze. I wasn't worried about what the scale would say at the end of my 30 days. I wasn't planning out every single hour of food prep. I didn't care what other people thought about my choice or what they would say. Because I knew how good I'd feel. How well I'd sleep. How my energy would come back. That I didn't have to cook fancy meals every day. That watching football without a beer in hand would be strange, but totally worth it. And guess what? It SO was.

It's Saturday morning, Day 48. I'm sitting on my patio, enjoying the few hours of sunshine we're going to have before the rain picks back up. I'm happy, comfortable and totally at peace. This morning, I woke up and celebrated a huge victory. Over the past 47 days, I lost 16 pounds. That brings the grand total since the beginning of the year (pre-Whole30, Round 1) to almost 30 pounds. I texted my family and danced around the room while the cats gave me their best "there-she-goes-again" look. I got dressed and made my way into the kitchen for breakfast.

Ahh. My first meal, post-Whole30. I could have anything I want today. Anything. So I whipped up some sweet potato toast and topped it with runny eggs and (compliant) chicken-apple sausage. All washed down with coffee and a splash of my favorite (also compliant) coconut cream/almond milk creamer. Nope, no pancakes and maple syrup. No bacon. No toast. I just didn't want them. So I didn't have them. Maybe I'll splurge later today. Maybe I won't. But that's what's so amazing right now - I'm in control of my food, not the other way around.

A couple weeks ago, the creator of The Whole30 published another book about what she calls "Food Freedom." It details how to re-introduce foods back into your diet in a way that helps you identify which ones are problematic for you personally, so you can decide whether or not they're worth keeping in your diet. But for me, because I did that after my first round of Whole30, the exciting part about this book is her advice on maintaining this lifestyle long-term. 

"What you are embarking upon is a constant cycle of progression, but it's not linear. You'll do well, then stumble. You'll be in control, then fall back into old habits. You'll have weeks of effortless balance, followed by (surprise!) a week of Carb-a-Palooza. This is all totally okay."

-Melissa Hartwig, Food Freedom Forever

This is okay. That is exactly what I needed to read. That being human, being fallible is okay. That it's part of life. That stumbling doesn't mean I can't pick myself back up. That food isn't "good" or "bad," and my choices don't make me "good" or "bad" either. I'm about halfway through her book right now and I'm absolutely loving it. 

My friends and colleagues often ask me Why. Why would you give up eating all those good things? Why don't you just eat smaller portions and more veggies? Why would you commit yourself to a diet that forces you to cook/prepare almost everything? Why do you feel like you need to lose weight?

The thing is, this isn't just a diet. It's not just about numbers on a scale. Yes, I'm absolutely PUMPED that they're the lowest I've seen in a loooong time. But it's about so much more than that. I stick to this because it makes me feel good. Like crazy, stupid, I-could-conquer-the-world-and-look-great-doing-it good. I sleep soundly through the night - no more restless tossing and turning. My skin is clear. My digestive system is working the way it should - I honestly can't remember the last time I had gas, felt bloated, got heartburn or had any kind of bathroom issue. My body is regulating my hormones properly, so I'm able to process my emotions in a way that's healthy - no more self-destructive Stress → Eat → Guilt → Repeat cycle. I have more energy than I know what to do with. As far as the weight loss goes, it's less about the number than how I feel. I feel good in my own skin. Confident. Pretty. I like what I see in the mirror for the first time in decades. I enjoy shopping for clothes. As a woman who has spent her whole life struggling with some pretty awful self-confidence demons, this is huge for me. I've finally locked them away and I have no intention of letting those nasty little shits make a jailbreak any time soon.

So yes, the next time you say BYOB to a get-together, my "B" may just be "Bubbly water." I may pass on the chicken wings when we go out to watch football. I probably will bring my "cleaner wieners" to the next barbecue and my own salad dressing to a restaurant. I'll opt for eggs and potatoes instead of biscuits and gravy and I'll pass on the potluck at work. On the other hand, I won't feel guilty as I eat/drink my way through my brother's wedding weekend. I will not beat myself up for the mimosas I plan to have at brunch with the girls tomorrow. I'll definitely need to drink on Election Night. And I'll probably make my gooey, greasy, cheesy, heart-attack-inducing taco dip for the Super Bowl party. The point is that, for the first time in my life, I'm making these decisions for myself based on what feels good, not what someone else tells me is right/wrong. I'm in control. I'm so happy and really, really, really proud of myself. So yah, that's Why.

So back to that Change thing...

As part of a broader effort to "build the new" me, I'm working on a new blog! One that's a little more focused and less my random stream-of-consciousness ramblings every couple of months. I want to be the best version of myself. And for the first time in my life, I know I can be. To do that, I need to be more mindful of the decisions I'm making regarding food, exercise, relationships and life in general. So I plan to write about them, hopefully boosting my own awareness, but also to offer some helpful insight for others who may struggle with some of the same issues I do. I'll keep you posted when it's live - right now, like me, it's a work in progress.